The Pete Holmes Show Gets a Fan Fic: Professor X Fires Iceman?
by Mice
Summary: Professor Xavier has fired Wolverine, Gambit, Angel and even Jubilee. But will he fire Iceman? A geeky tribute to a genius series of sketches from The Pete Holmes Show.


**Foreward:**

I freaking love "The Pete Holmes Show" stories of Professor X firing the X-Men.

So much so, I wrote a fan fic for it. Using my favorite character, Bobby "Iceman" Drake. (I had a hat with his likeness on it. Lost it at Kielle's bachelorette party.)

YOU ARE IMMORTAL!

-Mice

**Professor X Fires Iceman?**

"Bad ass" wasn't a title Bobby Drake - the Iceman, one time youngest resident at Xaviers - could ever place on a part of his life. He hoped to earn it by having Professor Xavier fire him from the X-Men. He was so sure it was going to happen, he had written it on his Converse sneakers, right next to "Hungry Like the Wolf".

"Iceman."

"Hey." Hey there Bad Ass Hungry Like the Wolf! He thought to himself.

"You freeze things."

"Like a champ."

"You've been here since you were sixteen, how old are you now?"

"Twenty-seven."

"You were the Doogie Howser, M.D. of the X-Men."

Bobby nodded and smiled. Neil Patrick Harris was awesome but Doogie Howser would never be.

"Girlfriends?"

"Not right now...I did date a Japanese artist once, though. She liked pizza."

"I see."

He was one more away from being the newest fired X-Men and join an elite club that contained Wolverine, finally giving Bobby Drake a "bad ass" moment.

"Oh, and I dated a nebula who started out as a female but sort of changed into a guy when the nebula began to have feelings for a bald, hot woman named Moondragon."

"Bald like Karen Gillian?"

"Yeah!"

"Hot." As Xavier nodded and marked his file, Bobby got the sense that things were not going in the direction he had hoped.

"So...I'm fired, right?"

Xavier looked up in surprise. "What, no!" Xavier laughed. "Whatever gave you that idea?"

"I'm the Iceman. My power is to make ice."

"That's extraordinary! If people in Victorian times could have seen that, you would have been declared a master magician and then burned you at the stake!"

"You fired Wolverine."

Xavier rolled his eyes. "Canadian."

"You fired Gambit!"

"I wasn't going to, but then he speaks with this French accent when everyone knows he's the Raging Cajun." Xavier shook his head, missing how pretty the real Remy LeBeau was.

"You fired one of my best friends, Warren!"

"Do you know about his origin story? It involves a fire and the costume room of a drama club."

Bobby put his hands in his head and mumbled.

"What's that? Speak up, Iceman. While I'm not firing you, I don't want to waste the telepathy to get in your head. Even if Emma Frost, the White Queen, once took control of it and your body."

"You fired-"

"Did you know she was taking over your body?"

"What?"

"Did she smell good?"

Bobby and the Professor stared.

"Could you feel her inside your head as she moved you around like her puppet of pleasure?"

Xavier brought a hand to his head and looked at Bobby intensely. Squiggle lines emitted around his head.  
"Smelling...so good...?"

"Don't use telepathy to read my mind!"

The squiggle lines retreated back to Xavier. "You know she still wears that bustier?"

"Loki once took over my body, too. With a belt."

"Has Tom Hiddleston?"

"Tom Hiddleston has not taken over my body, no."

Xavier nodded. "Just be open to the experience."

Bobby nodded with him. "So, you're never going to fire me?"

"You're an X-Men and an accountant. Fire you? I'm not even going to let you die a first time on Earth 616!"

Bobby sighed, defeated. His bad ass moment would have to wait. He turned to leave.

"Bobby, come back...I'm sorry. You're just too valuable to the team. Come here, I have something for you." Xavier handed him a folder.

Bobby smiled and grabbed the folder. "Top secret spy mission where I might get sent back in time and sire a hero with a pop star sensation Lilah Cheney?"

"No, it's Jean's taxes. She's back from the dead and is being audited for estate tax evasion!" Xavier laughed.

Bobby exited the room backwards, folder under his arm, both middle fingers outstretched to Xavier. "You fired Jubilee! You have to fire me!"

Xavier calmed himself. "Never, my frost bitch!"


End file.
